I’m all for charity and clean water for them little African kids or whatever Comic Relief stands for, but their latest method of raising money “Twitrelief” is so fucking dumb. For those who actually have social lives and are unaware of what I’m talking about, I’ll sum it up; basically us lucky nobodies get the OPPURTUNITY OF A LIFE TIME and get to bid to have our favourite stars follow us on Twitter …for 90 days! Yes, after a mere 90 days your kind act of charity is no longer relevant and you go back to meaning nothing to said Celebrity as they click unfollow and you’re out of their lives faster than a mild case of genital wartz. Now if that alone wasn’t worth paying a small fortune for, IT GETS BETTER! Said celebrity will also TWEET YOU! You indeed read that correctly, these high-flying mega successful celebrities will take a whopping 10 seconds out of their obviously super busy schedules and type up to 140 characters directed at you!!! WELL FUCK ME! IF ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD WAS EVER WORTH SELLING MY BODY TO OLD PERVERTED MEN FOR IT WOULD BE THIS!! And who are these A-listers we get the chance the bid on you’re probably [not] wondering? Everyone from Boy George to Mary Byrne!! Yes an 80’s pop flop ex-convict whose hobbies include imprisoning homosexual male prostitutes and an overweight middle aged Irish lady who just 6 months ago worked in a super market and has since came 5th in a TV talent show. Wow. Surely I’m not the only one who finds this whole thing stupid? Great it’s raising money, great the kids can have a nice bath, but essentially all it’s doing is inflating the egos of the celebrities who are doing absolutely nothing but exploiting their fans? Surely there’s a better way of using their celebrity status and success to raise money? Charity concerts? Signed memorabilia? Meet and greets? Not a fucking follow on Twitter. However, in the spirit of charity I am willing to go one better and offer you lucky, lucky readers the chance to bid for me to follow you ….with the follow being in a literal sense though. Yep I’ll stand outside your house, follow you to work, to town, even round Asda as you do your weekly shop! Bidding for this actual opportunity of a life-time will start at £1,000,000 and all proceeds will go directly to the charity of JOSH WANTS A FUCKING HOLIDAY. Thanks for reading. PS: Shout out to my brother from another mother Alan.